Gang Bang Suicide

I used to be the girl with the fire in her eyes. So quick to love and so quick to hate.

Believed in polyamorous relationships and smoking a joint with an acquaintance instead of dinner with friends, because love gets old and so do friends.

Believed in the good of man; that hard work would always be recognized.

Holding back from orgasms for the sake of my wounded heart that was not yet wounded.

Believed that I would never make it past 30. Wanted to never make it past 30. Wished secretly for heroin and abuse and to die in so painful a manner that it martyred my twisted beliefs.

Lived for the writings of Nostradamus.

Never pictured myself as the girl in the white dress at the wedding.

Thought poverty was noble and money was waste.

Clouded my thoughts in smoke and forced laughter.

Never wanted to let the fat girl out to play.

Secretly believed that wishing was all it took.




Somewhere inside of me will always be that little girl whose dreams have no barriers.

I am spoiled. So spoiled.

Spoiled by the hands and heart of a man I thought existed only in my dreams.

Spoiled by the love of my friends I would never trade in.

Ponder the loss of my parents and pray to God he never strips me of their presence.

Have realized that it's sacrifice gets you where you want to be.

I still have that fire in my eyes. It's been overtaken with passion, not anger.

Those who sacrifice know their own kind and are unwilling to let you get away.

I live for the crisp cool air on a bright Fall day, with the blue and the white peaking in through the tops of the trees.

I live for me and only me.

I live for the anticipation of the future, the dream of what comes next.

I trust that those I love love me as much as I love them, if not more.

I trust that I will vanish with a smile on my face on a day long past the age of 80.

I trust that I won't ever be the girl in the white dress, because white is not my color... but red is.

I trust that I'll get the dream house with the pool table and the built-in bar and the ginormous kitchen the fat girl inside has always dreamt of.

I trust my children will talk shit to me and give me headaches and nightmares galore, and one day they'll say "I'm sorry for everything" the way I told my mother.

I trust that all my efforts will pay off and me and my girls will separate ourselves from all else once a year to just bask in our company and each others laughter.

It's taken a long time. But I think that I finally can live and love and trust the way it was meant to be.

Java Me Monkey

For those of you who frequent coffee shops, such as myself, do you take all your valuables with you each and every time you pay the restroom a visit? Because I don't. My laziness overrides the fear of something being stolen. Until today, that is, when someone swiped my wallet while I hovered over the publicly used toilet at Java Monkey in Downtown Decatur.